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Confessions of a shameless asexual - 2nd Part

This text is a translation of Confessions of an asexual Slut, Part 2 , Edited by David Jay in July 2006.


To all my listeners * sex, do not take it badly. It's true, you know I have nothing but love to give, and I know you know I know the share. You see, I learned about the human sexual intimately. I learned to see inside of you, through you, in your corner, and I pulled my conclusion: sex makes a bit prudish.

is one thing to another s'aspirer face or play ping-pong with his bodily fluids, but when we talk about real and tangible non-sexual intimacy, half of you not afraid to show even a pin.

What I mean when I say "intimate," I'm not talking about when we look into the whites of the eyes to light candles, holding hands. I talk about vulnerability, look for the most sensitive areas of our being and see how it feels with. From my experience, if you can do it, do you really know it, it will be much more intense than any sexual relationship. Because deep, sensitive areas below the belt are, at best, a nice metaphor for what happens inside.

I would like to address all asexuals, for help to step back and have a vision. Really, I love sex, but they always have a maddening tendency to pretend that we, the asexuals, do not exist. They begin by denying the existence of our entire population, and when they finally agree they want to completely ignore our existence as potential partners. Other intellectuals of the community and I attribute that to what we call "opposition sexual / non-sexual", that is to say, the idea that pleasures, desires and relationships that are "sexual "are fundamentally different pleasures, desires and relationships that are not. You can

do a little experiment to understand what I mean. Describe someone a person very close, leaving a large ambiguity on the fact that you are "just friends" or "more" with the person. Your partner will become more and more nervous, and eventually you stop in mid-sentence to see if you perform tricks together in the same way that you would stop if you were talking to a newborn without mentioned characteristics of his genitals.

Why? Because most people are unable to see sexual relations in a serious manner if it is not about sex. For them, relationships with a large R are in a class, friendship is another, and sex is the line of demarcation. They consider us half a second, me (not so ugly that) and my asexuality, and begin to lament the fact that we can never cross that line, declaring myself once and for all unable to make their desire that 'they might experience.

It's almost cute.

I have already spoken in the first part, but I can make more desire than the bartender in the tavern marine heat on the Isle of whores. In fact, interest in sex is never just sex. Whenever someone is attracted sexually by me, there are plenty of small non-sexual desires underlying struggle to reach the surface. The desire for things such as validation of the other, security, privacy, power or relief. A person can pretend that these wishes did not exist, as if her need for sex was far from pure and disgusting feelings like vulnerability. But desire will return a single result to make it stronger, and a strong desire is exactly what this bartender likes.

That's the secret sex in itself is always annoying. I've never seen a sexual person, not even one, who loves sex for sake of the penis into the vagina. In bars, clubs or student parties alcoholic, people who flirt in search of one-night sizzle with sexual energy not. They want to show off the gallery, they want to prove they are capable, they want to relax, they want to be close to someone without having to bother to stay. The new couples are beyond the need to be tender, to make the other happy, to build their privacy or to avoid it, to assert their power over the other or to renounce it. All people who have sex do so for a reason. It gets interesting when people stop have a reason. When they seek nothing more, when everything in their marriage has been solved and goes like clockwork, the sex is no longer in question. It's like a bucket of water: it splashing when something shakes the handle.

Listen up, all my shameless asexual budding. The next time someone starts to drag, or complain that he can not find anyone to put in his bed, look good. Look beyond sex, beyond the sexual frustration, anxiety and body tension and repressed, and try to see what shakes the bucket handle this one. Tell him, who knows how it will react.

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* audios This article first podcast (available at the same address).

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Confessions of a shameless asexual - Part 1

This text is a translation of Confessions of an asexual Slut, Part 1 , edited by David Jay in June 2006.

I realized recently that I trends sluts. I mean everything except the classical sense of the word "slut", having been literally (although not penetrated) in bed in the last month with more people than I have fingers to count. If, as the asexual community has begun to suggest, we can be intimate without sex with, so I have a whole lot of intimate relationships.

I'm serious.

One feature of asexuality, I discovered, is to make the act of classifying and prioritizing their relationships a little difficult. As well as all sexual people do not use them like that, sex can serve as a marker of very important net, keeping them, for better or for worse, like silverware for really special occasions. We can not say the same thing, for example, a conversation intellectually or emotionally intense, which would be much more my cup of tea. Can I have a passionate discussion at the slightest suggestion, and I would be able to be intimate intellectually with anything that moves.

You find it wrong?

Despite all the rules pretty crazy that we have enacted on sex, there appears to be relatively low on intimacy itself. I am interested if anyone has a boyfriend, the rules for spending time together are vague at worst and at best lacking. He or she prefers people of the opposite gender? No problem. Two relationships at once? There will always be room. Even I am amazed at what I can do without causing problems.

It has not always been like that. Even I was a young asexual naive and inexperienced, which is a fate I would wish on anyone. Everything we learn about sexuality tells us that this is NOT an optional behavior. With regard to our future happiness, finding a good sexual partner is high on the list, with having a job and owning. And just as it is our duty for our country to have good grades and know what kinds of products to purchase, then begin our journey full of obstacles to sexual happiness given by a relationship.

This is not what we want hear when sex seems as natural and enjoyable as filling out tax returns is. The message is not comforting: no sex, relationships do not count. Regardless of whether one is a good friend, or how close you are to someone, there will come a point where the other will focus its partner (sexual) against us. Passion, romantic love and falling in love are feelings that would require sex, which means that for us asexuals, they would simply be impossible. All that could be it friends, as in "just friends". It would choose between forcing yourself to enjoy sex and drop all hope our emotional life becomes interesting.

It goes without saying that being emotionally frustrated, I was very dissatisfied with these predictions. I did not know precisely what the non-sexual intimacy and how it worked, but I do not expect to sit there waiting like a princess, her prince charming, that this intimacy comes and invites me for coffee. Quickly, my closest friendships have begun to resemble romantic relationships, and it did not take long for them to come out of this framework and look like something else.
I realized that some relationships were something rewarding and enjoyable, the same way that sex for men sex. I discovered countless new kinds of pleasures, and it seemed to me that I would never have time to explore them all: the intellectual to the physical, the one who tells us things about ourselves totally to frivolous. Those who believe that the word "fun" has a sexual connotation should leave home more often.

I loved having fun, and as I had a partner to accompany me, I could do it like I wanted, wherever and whenever I wanted. My life, contrary to what I was told at school was undoubtedly become emotionally interesting. What to do with my life was another matter. With all these sources of pleasure available, more and more of my friends were pushing the limits of "just friends", raising a host of questions to pass.

I knew perfectly charming little distinction between platonic and romantic relationships, which amused as other youth, but I was never sure how it applied to me. With so many types of links that made the picture blurry, I had no idea how to draw a line as sharp. Is having complete trust in someone was more important than having fun and every day? Should I give higher status to the person to whom I hug only one that ended my sentences?

Finally, the language of sexual world was ill equipped to describe a well-filled calendar asexual, so I started creating my own. What it means to be "more than friends", if it does not include sex? For me, everything could be reduced to three T

• time: Open up your dictionary, the words "dating someone" talk time. The duration established relationships, and relationships that are important are those to which I devote the time. For me, going out with someone means that plays a significant role in the daily lives of the other and vice versa.
• touch: Besides sex, two people can make fun of their bodies. Hugs, dance, basketball, pillow fight, with the majority of my closest relationships include some form of physical ailment or another, which can also ask to spend.
• speech *: If I really want a relationship outside the box, I will mention the fact that it exists. I will tell the person what I feel for her, I'll talk about what I want out of that relationship, and I let her do the same.

When I go out with someone I am interested in are the three things I think. That's what I tell my friends, and how I see the progression of my relationships: my own answers to the basic system asexual.

Those who pay attention will notice that in this context, monogamy is a somewhat fuzzy concept. It is quite difficult to be sexually exclusive when you have sex with anyone. Marie-layer-up where I am, I tend to prefer links with communities rather than individuals, never leaving a relationship overshadow the rest of my life. I find myself thinking not in terms of boyfriends or girlfriends, but in terms of networks, entire communities with whom I have a close relationship in one way or another. Why not hang by a thread when I can settle in a web of relationships strengthened by a few particularly strong son? I intend to raise children, why not build a village?

Common sense tells us that none of this will work. The people I see all I could drop it for someone they can sleep, my strong social networks yet fall apart into small enclosures monogamy, accessible only fleetingly. But common sense has been wrong. Gradually, as in my relationships we talk about our emotions and commitment, and my friends start getting married without disappearing from my life, the probability that I finish all alone seemed increasingly slim. Surprisingly, my friends are sexually quite comfortable with the fact redefining intimacy (and even some released). Although they certainly éprouvront sexual frustration at one point or another, they have no reason to direct it to me. In fact, when everything else works, sex is not that important.

Love is a curious thing. In a world where sex is saturated with expectations, rules, predefined scripts and overlapping meanings, a practicing asexual intimacy like me are faced with a vast expanse of unexplored territory. If you're interested, you can go home for coffee and discuss. www.asexuality.org/fr/

Give me a call.
____________________________
* "Talk" in English

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