This text is a translation of Confessions of an asexual Slut, Part 1 , edited by David Jay in June 2006.
I realized recently that I trends sluts. I mean everything except the classical sense of the word "slut", having been literally (although not penetrated) in bed in the last month with more people than I have fingers to count. If, as the asexual community has begun to suggest, we can be intimate without sex with, so I have a whole lot of intimate relationships.
I'm serious.
One feature of asexuality, I discovered, is to make the act of classifying and prioritizing their relationships a little difficult. As well as all sexual people do not use them like that, sex can serve as a marker of very important net, keeping them, for better or for worse, like silverware for really special occasions. We can not say the same thing, for example, a conversation intellectually or emotionally intense, which would be much more my cup of tea. Can I have a passionate discussion at the slightest suggestion, and I would be able to be intimate intellectually with anything that moves.
You find it wrong?
Despite all the rules pretty crazy that we have enacted on sex, there appears to be relatively low on intimacy itself. I am interested if anyone has a boyfriend, the rules for spending time together are vague at worst and at best lacking. He or she prefers people of the opposite gender? No problem. Two relationships at once? There will always be room. Even I am amazed at what I can do without causing problems.
It has not always been like that. Even I was a young asexual naive and inexperienced, which is a fate I would wish on anyone. Everything we learn about sexuality tells us that this is NOT an optional behavior. With regard to our future happiness, finding a good sexual partner is high on the list, with having a job and owning. And just as it is our duty for our country to have good grades and know what kinds of products to purchase, then begin our journey full of obstacles to sexual happiness given by a relationship.
This is not what we want hear when sex seems as natural and enjoyable as filling out tax returns is. The message is not comforting: no sex, relationships do not count. Regardless of whether one is a good friend, or how close you are to someone, there will come a point where the other will focus its partner (sexual) against us. Passion, romantic love and falling in love are feelings that would require sex, which means that for us asexuals, they would simply be impossible. All that could be it friends, as in "just friends". It would choose between forcing yourself to enjoy sex and drop all hope our emotional life becomes interesting.
It goes without saying that being emotionally frustrated, I was very dissatisfied with these predictions. I did not know precisely what the non-sexual intimacy and how it worked, but I do not expect to sit there waiting like a princess, her prince charming, that this intimacy comes and invites me for coffee. Quickly, my closest friendships have begun to resemble romantic relationships, and it did not take long for them to come out of this framework and look like something else.
I realized that some relationships were something rewarding and enjoyable, the same way that sex for men sex. I discovered countless new kinds of pleasures, and it seemed to me that I would never have time to explore them all: the intellectual to the physical, the one who tells us things about ourselves totally to frivolous. Those who believe that the word "fun" has a sexual connotation should leave home more often.
I loved having fun, and as I had a partner to accompany me, I could do it like I wanted, wherever and whenever I wanted. My life, contrary to what I was told at school was undoubtedly become emotionally interesting. What to do with my life was another matter. With all these sources of pleasure available, more and more of my friends were pushing the limits of "just friends", raising a host of questions to pass.
I knew perfectly charming little distinction between platonic and romantic relationships, which amused as other youth, but I was never sure how it applied to me. With so many types of links that made the picture blurry, I had no idea how to draw a line as sharp. Is having complete trust in someone was more important than having fun and every day? Should I give higher status to the person to whom I hug only one that ended my sentences?
Finally, the language of sexual world was ill equipped to describe a well-filled calendar asexual, so I started creating my own. What it means to be "more than friends", if it does not include sex? For me, everything could be reduced to three T
- time: Open up your dictionary, the words "dating someone" talk time. The duration established relationships, and relationships that are important are those to which I devote the time. For me, going out with someone means that plays a significant role in the daily lives of the other and vice versa.
- touch: Besides sex, two people can make fun of their bodies. Hugs, dance, basketball, pillow fight, with the majority of my closest relationships include some form of physical ailment or another, which can also ask to spend.
- speech *: If I really want a relationship outside the box, I will mention the fact that it exists. I will tell the person what I feel for her, I'll talk about what I want out of that relationship, and I let her do the same.
When I go out with someone I am interested in are the three things I think. That's what I tell my friends, and how I see the progression of my relationships: my own answers to the basic system asexual.
Those who pay attention will notice that in this context, monogamy is a somewhat fuzzy concept. It is quite difficult to be sexually exclusive when you have sex with anyone. Marie-layer-up where I am, I tend to prefer links with communities rather than individuals, never leaving a relationship overshadow the rest of my life. I find myself thinking not in terms of boyfriends or girlfriends, but in terms of networks, entire communities with whom I have a close relationship in one way or another. Why not hang by a thread when I can settle in a web of relationships strengthened by a few particularly strong son? I intend to raise children, why not build a village?
Common sense tells us that none of this will work. The people I see all I could drop it for someone they can sleep, my strong social networks yet fall apart into small enclosures monogamy, accessible only fleetingly. But common sense has been wrong. Gradually, as in my relationships we talk about our emotions and commitment, and my friends start getting married without disappearing from my life, the probability that I finish all alone seemed increasingly slim. Surprisingly, my friends are sexually quite comfortable with the fact redefining intimacy (and even some released). Although they certainly éprouvront sexual frustration at one point or another, they have no reason to direct it to me. In fact, when everything else works, sex is not that important.
Love is a curious thing. In a world where sex is saturated with expectations, rules, predefined scripts and overlapping meanings, a practicing asexual intimacy like me are faced with a vast expanse of unexplored territory. If you're interested, you can go home for coffee and discuss. www.asexuality.org/fr/
Give me a call.
____________________________
* "Talk" in English
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