This text is a translation of The Trendy asexual 's Guide To Experimenting With Sexuality, edited by David Jay in August 2006.
There is a little less than a year, I gave a lecture at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality ( Higher Institute of Human Sexuality ). Initially, the PhD students and professors that filled the room did not know what to think well of me, but when I finished talking, they were amazed by the work we do in the asexual community. One woman was so impressed that she invited me to play in his team of Ultimate Frisbee and was in the habit of staying after practice to talk cloth.
It was during one of these discussions she has said something that made me think. She said that condom use among adolescents was directly proportional to the point at which adolescents expected to have sex. When they knew that they were, they were proactive and took precautions. But when they imagined not having sex and she fell over them one way or another, risky behavior suddenly became very likely.
It made me think about the community on AVEN. Although few of us having sex, most asexuals are at a moment in contact with one form or another of sexuality. For what I've seen, it does not say much, but it seems that the more we openly discuss the experiences of asexuals with sexuality, the more you will master. Sexuality will never be a drug for us as it can be for people sex, and it makes a perspective slightly less unpleasant, but there are still many risks emotional, relational and medical real stake if you want approach the sexual dynamics. With foresight, we can minimize these risks. And you see do new experiments in the near future or you just want to be prepared, know how to approach sexuality without risk and with confidence is something that even those most reluctant sex should know.
** Note: A small experiment request handling viscous substances. This type of experimentation, which may be worth it in certain circumstances, is not what interests us in this discussion thereof. If you think there is a chance that the experiment that you plan to put you in contact with viscous substances, it is extremely important that you familiarize yourself with how to handle them safely. After reviewing several sites, I recommend Wikipedia for full information and appropriate to the subject .** asexuals
http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/
What
do I mean by "experimenting with sexuality?
The goop aside, sex is something social. It's a way of thinking, acting and feeling is very natural for most people but that seems completely foreign. Doing these experiments is a little like dressing up. It is about making a social role that goes without saying for many people, play with and complicate. It can be fun, exciting, informative, and it can push people around you sex and question their assumptions. Experimenting with sexuality does not necessarily mean having sex, it means doing things that most people see as sexual even if you're not. It may be flirting, telling dirty jokes, or let the sexual tension to develop in a relationship.
From my experience, these experiments always follow the same pattern. Knowing this model allows you to plan ahead, to decide when is it worth the trouble to try and do it with a goal.
Here is how to transform sex into something useful in six simple steps: Step 1
: Imperative. Why experiment? Because we live in a sexual world, where a whole series of ideas, activities and sensations are organized in a hierarchy centered on sex and sexual relations. Take kissing someone. Unless this is your grandmother's lips touch someone else with hers is generally considered sexual. True, kissing a person does not necessarily mean they want to sleep with her, but do it for a while and everyone will look at you strangely and wonder why it does not happen "more". In the sexual world, things like kissing, flirting, hanging out with someone, talk to someone at a party or dancing are all considered part of the gender hierarchy: even if they have nothing to do with sex in either appearance or feel, they are all inexplicably linked to the desire to make boom-boom.
When experimenting with sexuality, it puts our camouflage clothing, it sneaks into sexual territory and cut those ties. If you kiss someone to see how it feels, whether you like it and you find a way to integrate it into your life without sleeping with anyone, you made a step in the direction of a world more open to asexuals. But I'm going too fast ...
Step 2: Rejection . What is the first thing I do when something belonging to the gender hierarchy caught my attention? Generally I do not know. Experimenting with sexuality can be very labor intensive and even give a headache, and I will not venture into sexual territory only if it appears really worthwhile. Nine times out of ten, this is not the case. There is no problem in fact experiment with sexuality, but there is no reason to do so if it's not worth the shot.
Step 3: Confusion . Let me be clear: do experiments on sexuality does NOT less asexual unless we want it. There are many things we can feel lost when it explores the border between worlds sexual and asexual, but your identity is not one. These experiments can help you discover the facets of you that you never knew existed, but they never change who you are.
Apart from the identity confusion is natural when one ventures into uncharted territory. Remember that the asexual community is there for only a few years. Experiments combining people openly asexual and sexual activities are traditional yet little explored a continent, and there is no way of knowing in advance what may result. Accept that not everything is perfectly clear: it is exactly why we want to experiment.
Step 4: Experimentation . It's hard to have a clear plan in the midst of this confusion, but the plan will be more clear the better. Personally I try to think in terms of green, orange and red: what interests me to do, what I am willing to let it go and what I do not want. (For example, I flirt with people at the party, I will let them think they appeal to me sexually if that's how they interpret it, but I do NOT want that anybody me into a corner by itself.) Once you set your limits, take you to the water. Do not expect that it sounds natural, sex is a learned role, and you may need time to familiarize yourself with this role (perhaps longer than most sexual people, since you will not have your own sexual attraction as a compass.) Be curious, try different things, see what works, what seems interesting and what is not. Remember that it's like dressing up: exaggerate and have fun. Once you've found your bearings, do not be afraid to go out of regular sexual script. Whether you
an evening alone or with someone, the proposed experiment will probably involve other people. Sometimes it is impossible to keep everyone fully informed at all times. Preceded by a session of dredge an explanation of why we're asexual and it is just a test is likely to spoil the mood. It will not be able to communicate clearly and honestly all the time, but it is absolutely necessary to explain things as openly as possible as soon as other people begin to be seriously engaged in the story.
Step 5: Reflection . It is now time to let things settle. Whenever I have done this kind of experimentation, I have enjoyed at least some parts, but usually not the "sexual", and usually not exactly the same way that people sex. As I review the events in my head, I'll find a way to separate all the things that interest me are things that interest me.
Think of it this way you prefer. What did you like? What you do not like? What seems simple to integrate into your life and what appears to be more difficult? Perhaps that experience has shown you the facets of yourself that you did not know, maybe not. If so, take time to reflect on the place they can make in your life.
Step 6: Reinterpretation . Finally, the cool part. Now that things are clearer, you have a new tool in your repertoire asexual. When you extract what you like the ominous mass of the gender hierarchy, you are free to use as you wish. Once you've thought, you can find precise words to communicate with anyone sexual (or asexual) that would still be puzzled. Once everything works and is consistent, think to talk about AVEN. Asexuality is still new territory and we need people like you to take the lead.
-DJ Danjerous
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